I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
3pm strippers are depressing
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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