Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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