My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
