I want to have your abortion
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
