and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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