I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
