why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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