Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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