my phone needs a breathalizer
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just high enough for therapy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
