Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
