I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
