Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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