i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
