I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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