I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
