Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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