Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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