I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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