I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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