i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
