You really coming over, don't trick.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
