You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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