i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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