if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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