I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
