Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
