Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
