you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize