Your dad touched me again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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