I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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