I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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