i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
