I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
