Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize