I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
