I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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