I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's the barista slut.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
