I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
