I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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