God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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