i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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