can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
