why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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