I got chris browned last night
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize