I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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