You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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