I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
