Will you blow on my dice?
My room smells like vodka and shame
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
