i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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