I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
