so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we're making bets on your personal life
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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