I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
