the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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