And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
