i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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