Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
